Struggleville. Population: Me.

Several years ago, a few friends and I used the above description amongst ourselves when we were wrestling with various things going on in our lives.  Struggleville was definitely where I was living last week and continue to try to drive out of this week…  Get in my rearview mirror, please!

I can only share in generalities, so I hope you will get the big idea.  Here's the nutshell: parenting is hard.  (I know, biggest understatement of the year!)  Parenting children with unknown pasts is challenging.  Parenting is a weighty honor and a role I desire to steward faithfully.  The reality is, I don't have any idea what I'm doing and I cannot do it in my own strength... 

Two weeks ago, I spoke at a local church's Mothers of Pre-Schoolers (MOPS) gathering.  Last fall, when I was originally asked to speak I had planned on sharing about "Teaching Justice to Children."  After the new year, I began to feel the Lord leading me to share about "Trusting in God's Ways" using our adoption story as the backdrop.  Isn't it funny in those moments when you think you are going to share a lesson you've learned, only to realize that it is a lesson you are still learning and need to learn?!.  The reality is (in case you were wondering): I have not arrived.  Not that I have ever thought or would ever verbalize that I have, but I realize that I sometimes act like or operate out of a sense that there are no steps backwards, that we've been there, done yet, bought the t-shirt and are past it…     

Who knew when I told the group that I felt the need to reflect on the faithfulness of God through my journey to motherhood how much I needed to hear them, believe them and cling to them?

The Lord knew.  The Sovereign Grace was whispering to me, "In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world…I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you…Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid…" (Jn.16:33; 14:18, 27)

Trust Me...

When the trials hit, which were in the form of a defiant, disrespectful, disobedient and dishonoring behavior of a child, those words began to ring in my ears…  By the second outburst of aforementioned behavior, I could feel walls forming around my heart… a self-defense mechanism… anger and my own depravity declaring, "well, if you are rejecting me then I will just reject you!"  

Praise the Lord, He does not deal with us by our standards or by our ways!

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh

and refreshment to your bones."

Proverbs 3:5-8

Trust Me...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:8-9

Trust Me…

I wanted to cling to that wall.  I wanted to react in anger and hurt from rejection.  I wanted to protect myself by keeping my distance.  I wanted to lean on my own understanding and not acknowledge God's sovereignty and grace.

Driving with my whole crew in the car, I turned up the radio in an attempt to block out the noises and instigator of my frustration.  God - who loves us with a never-failing, never-giving up, always and forever love - began to tear down the walls of my heart… one stone at a time…  I found myself belting out along with this song… At first, mindlessly singing along… Then, when I realized what I was saying, pausing with unshed tears followed by determination to sing it until I meant it…

I surrender…  I surrender…
I want to know You more…
I want to know You more…

Part of knowing God more is coming to know His character of forgiveness, healing and grace…

Like a mighty storm
Stir within my soul
Lord have Your way
Lord have Your way in me

My Psalm reading today was chapter 31.  My Bible has the chapter titled as, "Into Your Hand I Commit My Spirit."  Today's chapter was all about, can you guess?

Trust Me.
Take Refuge in Me.



That's where I am today.  Resting in His grace.  Seeking to show mercy as I have been shown mercy.

It's been a good week.  There are difficult days ahead.  Apart from Christ Jesus, I could not face them.  But, by God's grace, I can smile at the future with great peace for I know Whom I have believed.  Goodbye Struggleville.  You are not my permanent address.