Storm Clouds...
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God." Psalms 42:5a-b
Perhaps I should have anticipated the aftermath of vulnerability. Perhaps I should have considered the consequences of introspection. Perhaps I should have known about the hidden recesses of tucked away grief....
"Would you be willing to write an article on Mother's Day as an adoptive mom?"
"Sure! I'd be honored to."
Although it was constructive for my soul to sit down to reflect on the goodness of God, to recall His sustaining grace and faithful providence throughout our adoption journey, as well as remember my own identity as an adopted daughter of the King, it exposed some sensitive, buried wounds within my heart. An unexpected tidal wave came crashing in.
The article prompted further dialogue with beloved sisters who continue to struggle with issues of infertility, miscarriages and difficult adoption processes. Conversations arose with dear friends who struggle in their own roles as adoptive moms and step-motherhood. Then, Mothers Day came and went without even a word or acknowledgement from any of my own children.
A cloud of darkness hovered overhead.
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9
Grief. Anger. Resentment. Guilt. Shame. More grief.
Thus was the cycle in my heart and mind. I began to hear lies that went something like: You're not a real mom. You don't have anything worth saying. You don't know what you're talking about. You're all alone.
Then, this cycle was intensified as one of our children seemingly began to spiral downward behaviorally...
Academic apathy. Reckless playfulness. Fearful deceitfulness.
In order to protect my child, here are the vague bullet points alluded to above:
* Discouragement academically led to ceasing productivity
* Impulsivity and absence of self control led to unintentional destruction of property
* Consequential responsibility led to thievery, deceitfulness, lying and anger
* Exposure of guilt led to early withdrawal from school
Life doesn't slow down to afford time away to deal with struggles. It just rolls on. The waters were high and threatening. The weightiness was difficult to tread through. However...
"My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you..." Psalm 42:5c
The Psalms were my lifeboat.
"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138:8
"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?...If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night, "even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139:7, 11
"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds...But my eyes are toward you, O GOD, my Lord; in your, I seek refuge; leave me not defenseless!" Psalm 141:3-4a, 8
"When my spirit faints within me, you know my way!... I cry to you, O LORD; I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living." Psalm 142:3a, 5
All I could cling to each day before bed and upon waking was: His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." - Lamentations 3:22-24
Then one morning, hope began to rise. A confession of guilt and admission of wrongdoing. An apology. Even an acknowledgement of embarrassment toward us as parents. God's provision of wisdom: "Thank you for your apology. I realize you have habits and bondage from your past in the orphanage. That is a part of who you are, but it is not who you are!..." Baby steps towards healing.
Sorrow. Grief. Anger. Resentment. Guilt. Shame. Compassion. Grace. Mercy.
A reminder of the gospel. Paul wrote to the Church in Rome of the very real struggle in Romans 7.
"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members...." (vv. 21-23)
"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death...He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?...we are more than conquerors through him who loved us..." Romans 8:1-2, 32, 37)
"Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song with me, a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:7-8
My own confession: I need Thee every hour. Those moments of seeming self sufficiency are mere lies and disillusions. It is Christ in us that is the hope of glory.
That is the gospel. That is good news.
"For our sake he made him (Jesus) to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." 2 Corinthians 5:21
Jesus lived the life we couldn't live, died the death we should have died, rose again on the third day conquering our greatest enemy - sin and death. One day he will come again. And on that day there will be no more sin, no more pain, no more brokenness, no more tears, no more sickness, no more wicked and self-centered hearts... to the praise of His glorious grace!
Grateful for my husband and best friend...
Grateful for friends who are patient with me and love me even when I'm unlovable...
Grateful for sisters who listen, encourage, pray for me, who speak truth and wisdom to me, as well as make me laugh...
"A life outside Christ is both hard and frightening;
a life in Christ has hard edges and dark valley, but it is purposeful even when painful."
Rosaria Butterfield
William Cowper wrote this great hymn in 1774, as one who battled depression... May the truths within it encourage your heart anew today:
God Moves in a Mysterious Way
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.
I have already seen some of His good purposes through this recent passing of storm clouds... If only I could disclose the continuing ways... "Behind a frowning providence He hides a smiling face"...
Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man bwho trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,1
6 cHe is like a shrub in the desert,
dand shall not see any good come.
in ean uninhabited salt land.
7 f“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
gwhose trust is the Lord.
8 hHe is like a tree planted by water,
10 i“I the Lord search the heart
kto give every man according to his ways,
Jeremiah 17:5-10
Trust in the Lord and His good purposes. He is faithful. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness.
"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen." Philippians 4:19-20
The storm clouds have passed for now and I am grateful...
The storm clouds have passed for now and I am grateful...
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